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Funny quotes

A collection of funny quotes and sayings of famous people about life and love, marriage and relationships, work and money, men and women, and many more.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P. J. O`Rourke

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Charles M. Schulz

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

George Burns

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.

Cary Grant

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

Theodore Rubin

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Thomas Jones

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Ken Dodd

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

A. H. Weiler

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Sue Murphy

I tried to think but nothing happened!


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Jon Hammond

Enlightenment comes when your third eye is at one with your turd eye and you can see your own shit..

Christopher Wynter

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."

Woody Allen

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Sir Winston Churchill

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.


There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

George Bernard Shaw

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

Norman Wisdom

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

E. DeGeners

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W. C. Fields

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

I spent most of my money on booze and women. The rest I wasted.

John Laws

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

Mae West

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.

Clement Freud

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

George Carlin

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.


I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.


Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Robert Maynard Hutchins