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Funny short jokes

Funny collection of short humor quotes, one liner jokes, question and answer jokes. I hope these jokes make you laugh, happy and free from stress. There are various jokes of all kinds in this collection - clean and dirty, witty and silly, hilarious and sarcastic, but one thing is common for all of them - they're short. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out that it's not funny. Short jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice.

Two fleas in a restaurant. One says to the other:
- Shall we walk or take a dog?

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

- Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
- Because they got big fingers!!!

- What is invisable and smells like carrots?
- Rabbit farts.

- Why do midgets laugh when they run?
- Because the grass tickles their balls!

- Why does a dog lick its penis?
- Because it can’t make a fist.

- Why do women close their eyes during sex?
- They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

- How do you tell if a chick’s too fat to f*ck?
- When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

- Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
- They don’t have balls to scratch.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again it was probably worth it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

- What is red and black?
- A sunburnt zebra.

- What goes black white black white.........?
- A penguin rolling down a hill!
   - What's black and white and laughing?
- The penguin who pushed him!

- What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
- A headbanger.

- Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
- Their shaky hands!

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

- What do you call a bear with no teeth?
- A gummy bear.

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

- Why did the blonde get fired from the banana plantation?
- Because she threw out all the bent ones.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart. So everybody takes a big whiff.

Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

- Mary, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?!
- It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who f*cks the stork?"